Nod to Dennis Leary's 'No Cure For Cancer'

"'Cause we tried to be nice to you nonsmokers, we fuckin' tried.  You wanted your own section in restaurants.  We gave you that.  But that wasn't enough for you.  Then you wanted the airplanes.  We gave you the whole god damned plane!  You happy now?!  You own the fuckin' plane!  I'd like an explanation about that one folks, 'cause I will guarantee you that if the plane is going down the first announcement you're going to hear is, '"Folks, this is your captain speaking.  Look, umm, light 'em up 'cause we're going down. OK?  I've got a carton of Camel non-filters, I'll see you on the ground.  Take it easy.'"

"The filter's the best part.  That's where they put the heroine.  Only us real good smokers know that fuckin' secret.  Yea, we tried to be nice you nonsmokers but you just fuckin' badger us, you know, you won't leave us ALONE!  You got all your little speeches that you're always giving to us, your little facts that you got from a newspaper or a pamphlet and you store that little nugget in your little fuckin' head and you see us light up and you spew 'em out at us, don't ya?  I love these little facts.  'Well you know, smoking takes ten years off your life.'  Well it's the ten worst years isn't it folks?  It's the ones at the end!  It's the wheelchair, adult diaper, kidney dialysis fuckin' years.  You can have those years, we don't want 'em!  And I guarantee you if I'm still alive then I'll be smokin'.  I'll be in my wheelchair with my adult diapers on and my twenty five year old born again non-christian son behind me.  I'll be going, "Hey!  Make sure you wipe this time.  I was itchin' all week for Christ's sakes.  And get me some more whiffits, I'm almost out you fuckin' pussy, come on!'"

"'Cause they're always tellin' us, 'Well you know, if you quit smokin' now, every cigarette takes three minutes off your life.  If you quit now, you can live an extra ten years.  If you quit now, you can live an extra twenty years!  If...'  Hey, I got two words for you.  Jim Fix.  'Member Jim Fix, the big famous joggin' guy?  Jogged fifteen miles a day?  Did a jogging book, did a jogging video, and dropped down of a massive heart attack WHEN?"

"When he was fucking jogging, that's when!"

"What do you wanna bet that it was two smokers who found him the next day and went, 'Hey, that's Jim Fix isn't it?  Wow, what a fuckin' tragedy.  Come on, let's go buy some boxes.'  It's always the yogurt sprout eatin' motherfuckers that get run over by a bus driven by a guy who smokes three packs a day.  'Sorry officer, I didn't see him.  I was too busy smokin'!'"  

To see Dennis perform this bit, click here.