Funny and True

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
13. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -ever.
14. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
15. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
16. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
18. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
19. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
21. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
22. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
23. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
24. My check engine light has been on for three months now and nothing's happened. I'm starting to think that my car just wants attention.
25. My GPS says "Estimated Arrival Time." I see "Time to Beat."
26. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
27. My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like my toaster.
28. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
29. I wish it were appropriate to say to a complete stranger, "Excuse me, would you like me to show you how to discipline your child?"
30. Chocolate is not a treat, it is a food group.